My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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