His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Randomize
