My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
