all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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