she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
