did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
