i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
