would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
