2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
