I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
