Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
