your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Randomize
