I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
