Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
