It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
