Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
