she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
