Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
