Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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