I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
