I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
