Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
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He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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