I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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