Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
