you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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