next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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