I wish my penis had an off switch
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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