Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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