In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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