Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Randomize
