I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
