Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
