I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
