Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
