I just made out with a guy for $7.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
