saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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