dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Randomize
