You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
