yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
