I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
