You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
