Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
this must be what syphilis tastes like
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
