Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
