Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I am available for nakedness
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
