Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
