The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Randomize
