farters have to be the big spoon...
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
