I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
