i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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