I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
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