I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
