my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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