We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
i love accidental penises.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
