Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
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