I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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