Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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