Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
